Nicole Kidman’s Letter to Katie Holmes
Katie,
Hey, girl.
Nice work. If my face could move I would shed a tear and then hug you with my spaghetti arms. You really pulled it off well. My congrats to your father who obviously had been hatching this plan for years. My guess is he started taking the notes the night you were married. (How was that by the way? Did it freak you out when the best man came on your honeymoon?)
So happy to hear you get custody of your little girl. Obviously I didn’t have the same luck. Well, you know that. They were calling you “mom” for a while, right? If you guys still talk tell them I said hi, that I am not a psychopath, that they can call from a police station if they don’t want their calls bugged, and that Nashville is really pretty in the summer. Now, will you be sending her to Catholic school? That would be epic. Can we also legally get her name changed? Maybe switch it up to something like Mary Kathleen or Mary Margaret?
I know you probably got a nice chunk of change and that house in Montecito. I’d think about selling it. I found that after we split it took me years to get rid of all of the surveillance cameras. You will probably want your new place to have a high enough gate, barbed wire, and a 24-hour patrol. Just makes it less of a headache trying to combat the Scientology freaks.
Let me know if you are ever in the same city. Keith and I would love to take you out for a drink. (I’d say for a bite to eat but I only eat 200 calories a day). I am sure we could compare stories and have a good laugh. Jesus, isn’t it great to wear heels again? And when was the last time you made out with anyone? 2006? I’d love to set you up with someone. I’m sure Keith has a country music friend who is single. They might have three teeth and play banjo, but it would be fun.
Again, happy to hear you are now free. I am sure we will see each other around. I mean, doubtful it will be at an awards show. (We both know I am a superb actress). But I guess you are going to do that Dawber’s River Reunion now?
Much love,
Nicole
5 Responses to “Nicole Kidman’s Letter to Katie Holmes”
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and check the back of Suri’s neck for a GPS tracker implant..
So good.
Would have been funny enough w/o the snarky comments about Nicole. If anyone has any memory at all, both Nic *and* Kate could use a letter from Mimi Rogers. She found out that Cruise was divorcing her when he held a press conference about it.
Nicole Kidman was a very popular model of the world and her walk style, talking style, and her dressing style hot and amazing and i hope everyone like it!
Congratulations to Katie Holmes for finally chewing all the way through her leg.