Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: New Ring, New Teeth
Vicki loves Brooks, she really does. But she thinks his teeth look swampy and cracked. So she called the good people at International Smile to see if they could make something out of the mess he calls his mouth. They, of course, were willing to offer their fees gratis in exchange for Brooks agreeing to humiliate himself on national television. “Vicki wants you to look the part of an Orange County professional, and not a janitor from Mississippi with an addiction to bath salts”, the kind doctor explained. Since he is looking to ride out this gravy train as long as he can he was up for it. Besides, maybe his new chompers could help him upgrade? Maybe a younger woman closer to the waterfront? So he dislodged his plastic right incisor and let the dentist take his x-ray. What happened to his missing tooth? It had become worn down after using it for years as a beer can opener.
Tamra and Eddie head out for a romantic dinner. She had just returned from Costa Rica and was eager to tell him all about the Alexis Intervention. But Eddie had other things on his mind. He had just gotten off the phone with the Bravo executives who offered him a package deal. They would provide him an engagement ring and a trip to the Four Seasons in Bora Bora if he were interested. Eddie jumped at the chance because his spin instructor/filing job salary could only buy so much.
People should not under estimate Alexis. Just yesterday she was filming style segments at the Fox 5 station in San Diego. And now, after meeting with a talent coach she is filming style segments at the Fox 5 station in San Diego. And she has her talent coach to thank for this quick progression. $3,500 and 12 hours later she knows she should pull her hair off her face and she should drive the figurative bus when filming her 1 minute pieces. So for this investigative news piece on resort wear she is wearing breast tape, thong underwear, and a one shoulder gown with cascading windmill arm in Caribbean coral.
The Tahitian Tourist Bureau arranged for Tamra and Eddie to begin their romantic vacation in style. They sent a limo, drove them to LAX with champagne, and set up a heartwarming scene at the ticket counter where the couple was asked if anyone has come in touch with their luggage, if they were traveling with liquids, and how many carry-ons they would be bringing. This is a big trip for Tamra. The last time she went on a nice vacation was… well 5 days before when Bravo flew her to Costa Rica. She wants to get engaged and wonders if this could be the trip he finally proposes. It doesn’t occur to her that could be likely since they are headed out on a vacation they could never afford and accompanied by an entire camera crew.
I should point out Alexis had been asking Jim for years to go to the Four Season in Bora Bora, but he always says it is not in God’s plan.
Heather is throwing herself a name changing party. It’s an old Jewish/Buddhist tradition where you decide once you get on a reality show to change your name to maximize future branding possibilities. She wants something fun and flirty, yet still stoic/uptight/rigid like herself. So she asks her old friend Timorie (not to be confused with her other friend Timree or her other friend Timoree) to make something even her collective group of anorexic friends would want to eat.
While driving through the rough streets of Costa Mesa (juxtaposition with scenic shots of the Pacific Coast Highway) Gretchen gets her dad on the horn. She’d spent the better part of her morning rifling through Slade’s pants pockets, bank statements, and cell phone and came across a text message regarding an engagement ring. Jesus, he wouldn’t propose. Would he? Her dad suggests she confront him since he secretly hopes she breaks it off and shacks up with someone who isn’t 45 years old hoping to become a soap opera star, have two children from previous relationships, and a massive load of debt. So she does.
Gretchen: Where you trying to propose? Because I thought we talked about this. You need to pay off your debt. You need to get a real job.
Slade: I do have a real job. (As he types from a hot pink laptop). I am a comedian and I assist you.
Gretchen: Um, I don’t pay you. I just provide you with housing, use of my car, and the ability to appear as my sidekick on my reality show.
Slade: But it was because of me you were able to purchase the Jo De la Rosa book of music.
Gretchen: Your 16 year old son wrote all the songs.
Slade: I curl your hair.
Gretchen: Only when I can’t find my hot rollers. You need to wake up, Buddy.
Slade: But I love you. You are my sunshine. I will always be there to glue your eyelashes on. I am here to apply your self tanner and make sure your Lean Cuisine is always heated to the appropriate temperature.
Gretchen: See, this is why we needed therapy. You just need to open up. If I had only known you felt this way.
And then they embraced while Slade ran his fingers through her hair extensions and plotted his next story line that would enhance his camera time.
Vicki was pleased with Brooks teeth. She now felt comfortable to incorporate him into Coto Insurance marketing materials and to add him to her car insurance. And Brooks returned the favor be paying for her next liposuction.
Back in Bora Bora Eddie took Tamra scuba diving. She was worried because she knew the ocean water could potentially rat her weave and highlight her face-lift scars. But Eddie had a plan. After they gathered oyster shells from the ocean floor he would take them back to the room and force her to pry them open with his pocketknife. The last shell would house the diamond ring the good people at Robbins Brothers had given him in exchange for promotional shots and various appearances at their Southern California stores. And they were happy once he asked her. You could tell from the way he could lift the upper right part of his unibrow and the way her over injected lips pursed.
7 Responses to “Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: New Ring, New Teeth”
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Too funny!!!
HILARIOUS!!!>….. THis show is so staged I can barely take it..
THank GOD your there to call it out!
When Gretchen was driving I kept hitting my husband saying “that passenger side is PCH and the driver’s side is Eastside Costa Mesa!” I think there may have been some Irvine thrown in just for fun. Oh, and for some reason my husband didn’t care…
Funniest effin recap!!!!!!!
Hahahaha…the dialogue between Gretchen and Slade made me laugh out loud. I cannot WAIT for the reunion when Andy asks Slade exactly what his job is….
This is the funniest blog I have read in a LONG time! Can’t wait to read other ones from you! HIGH-LA-RIOUS!
Thanks, Dee!