Tamra was excited to tell Heather and Gretchen all about her engagement and trip to Bora Bora. Heather, of course, already knew about it. Tamra called her from the island. But she held off on the news until she could put together a photo album she purchased at TJ Maxx to display the photos. She worried it would cause Gretchen some pain since she had just told Slade that they can’t get married until he pay off his child support debt. Gretchen was happy, but withheld her tears because of pride and also because her face was frozen. Had Tamra called Vicki to tell her the good news too? Vicki had not returned her calls. She was apparently too busy overseeing the reconstruction of Brook’s mouth.
Alexis and Sarah met up at the Blue Lagoon Grill and Shrimp Shack because Alexis wanted to tell her all about the verbal smack down she received in the Costa Rican jungle. Sarah, as you probably remember, was the lush at the Dubrow’s bowling party. “I just think they don’t get me”, Alexis explained. “I think because I am kind they think I am phony. I called all my old friends in Missouri – Cheryl Faye, Linda, Betty Jo, and Doreen – and they all said they had no idea what those other women were talking about. I mean, I haven’t called them since our five-year reunion because they are all trashy and they aren’t pretty enough to hang out with me in public, but don’t you think they would tell me the truth? Besides, Tamra is the most hateful person I know, besides my husband who is a complete bigot.” Sarah nodded in agreement. So they decided Alexis would bring Sarah with her to the Dubrows upcoming naming party for support. Because if you can’t bring your husband, you should bring an intoxicated Crystal Gayle impersonator for moral support.
Back at Heather’s place she made final touches to her name changing party. It is an old Southern California tradition that after 13 years of marriage you invite a bunch of people you barely know to your house for a cake cutting ceremony. She had her caterer recreate her backyard to look like a drug filled dance party at a Miami hotspot in the early 90s. Martini glasses were filled with watermelon pucker and edible diamonds. (Except the real one that Slade would later swipe and put towards Gretchen’s engagement ring). But she wasn’t happy with the cake, which was supposed to be the center of the party. She had asked for a black sparkled box motif filled with raspberry cream and ganache, but instead got a Club MTV style marzipan slab that tasted like ashes and broken dreams. Things were already running off course.
Vicki finished getting ready back at her place in Coto. Brooks had to ask the limo driver to take a couple spins around the block so it would appear as if he does not in fact live in her garage. When he did appear at the front door he came bearing a new gift: a full-length fur Vicki had spotted the week before and asked Brooks to purchase with her credit card. Only a man who truly loved and respected her would understand how to complete the list of tasks she gave him on a weekly basis. And she wanted him to know how much she loved him despite her entire family thinking he was a con man who had abandoned his family so he could allow Vicki to fund his lifestyle.
Tamra and Gretchen arrived at the party. Slade, who was dressed as a Sprocket, was sweet to spend the better part of that day finding her the perfect season finale party dress at Forever 21. Gone were the feather chandelier earrings and multi-colored manicure. This was a night for a bright pink prom dress and faux fur stole, an obvious necessity in the spine shaking winter months in Southern California. Tamra did not wear her new engagement ring for this evening. No, she felt the party should be more about the host and less about her. But that did not prevent her from wearing evening lingerie. Nor did it hinder her from having a come-to-Jesus sit down with Jeanna. Her tears pooled at her platform plastic heels while Jeanna’s daughter Kara chewed her out. Things had changed this past year for Tamra. Her breast implant removal had given her a new perspective on life and that meant forgiving herself for letting the demise of her marriage to Simon prevent her from hearing the truth.
Alexis arrived with Sarah to the bewilderment of the Dubrows. Terry wondered out loud who had brought the middle-aged stripper to the evening’s festivities. But Sarah, sweet Sarah, was in rare form. After throwing back more than a few pomegranate martinis she began to feel the effects of low blood sugar. Because there were no bowls of Skittles readily available she went after the one thing that would release her from her hypoglycemic prison — the bow at the top of the Dubrow’s cake. What? Oh yeah. She just completely disregarded name-changing-party etiquette and went after the one thing that would set these ladies on fire. She ate the bow of the cake that no one would probably eat because of their aversion to eating carbohydrates. Yet when approached by Heather about the hate crime she had just committed Sarah burped and blamed it on her health condition. Had they just provided guests with bowl fulls of
cocaine candy this would have never happened. Heather, clinging to any way to keep her guest at bay, offered her a sleeve of Oreos plucked from the children’s pantry.
Next week: Briana and Tamra discuss Brooks, Sarah may or may not pass out, and no one eats any cake.
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