Tamra just wanted Alexis to be a true person. “We don’t care about your inflated lips, your balloon jugs, your reconstructed nose, or your cubic zirconium. Just be a true person. Is that so hard”, she cried? But it was easy for her to say, she had just returned from breast reduction surgery. She just had her tattoo cut off her finger. Her upper lip remained oversized. Could she really attack her? “Look, darling, I’ve got friends from all walks of life”, Heather added. “I have my rich friends and my even more rich friends. I just want you to be authentic. My husband the plastic surgeon and I share this mantra.” But Alexis was in disbelief. How could anyone call her materialistic when they are carrying Louis Vuitton beach bags? (Although not Heather. She only carries Chanel. Once she saw one of the girls from Teen Mom carrying a Louis she was done). Alexis called Tamra rude and hateful. “You are the meanest mean girl of all mean time.” “Listen, ladies, Vicki explained. “We are all phony and materialistic on some level.” And she was right. But it was all too much for Alexis. It’s fine having your husband belittle you and treat you like a subservient wife. That’s totally fine. But to have four women she only speaks to because they are on the same television show together? She had to draw the line somewhere. So she wiped her clown makeup onto her napkin and retreated back to her room. Gretchen went after her, but Alexis refused to see her. She had to speak to her through a crack in the door. “Listen, I know you are upset because everyone just confronted you on how shallow you are, but I just want you to know how hard this is for me Lex”, Gretchen explained. Vicki had better luck consoling her. She understood her pain having spent the majority of her life also being told she exaggerates. “Listen, Alexis, I know you are suffering now, but try to remember how I felt last year in San Francisco when you all yelled at me in front of my daughter. Try to think about that.” Gretchen was livid. She was such a great friend to Alexis for all these years. Like the time she tried to steal her TV job. But she was now letting Vicki into her room to rub her back and her ratted hair extensions? WHAT?! And the other girls did feel bad too and thought about waiting for Alexis to return, but the crab cakes looked too good. So they carried on with dinner and their frozen daiquiris.
The next morning they all headed down to a private beach to drink champagne and swat monkeys. Alexis had to get back to
the sweat shop her house so she pulled Gretchen aside to chat about the previous evening. She just felt like she was being attacked and expected Gretchen to stick up for her. “You are my friend and I love you to death, Gretchen explained. “But, honey-pop, you gotsta stop pretending you are rich. We all know you get your plastic surgery for free. No one really believes you own all those cars or you can buy a house. I am just trying to help you, dove. So why don’t you fix your face and get back to that hellhole you call your marriage. Okay?” And she did leave.
The rest of the trip was fun. Tamra and Gretchen rubbed their parts and tried to de-clothe Heather. They planted some trees in the jungle and they went white water rafting, despite mounting fears by the Bravo camera crews that someone’s lip injection or one of Vicki’s implants would erupt. The only issue was that of Vicki’s instability. She cried a lot on this trip. Not the normal cry, but the kind of cry when you suddenly want to take a pocketknife and stab the rafting instructor in the calf. Or the kind of cry that brings packs of wolves together for a dogfight. And for someone so in love with Brooks she seemed pretty bent up about Donn. How will he be able to make it in this world without her cooking? But did she want him back? No. Brooks was the only man she had ever known willing to accompany her to the nail salon for callus scrubbing. Why would she walk away from that now? But it concerned her that she had already had 2 marriages under her braided belt. It was all too much. And the menopause hormonal rage didn’t help matters.
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