Back at the party everyone was still flipping out about Sarah. You let a nice girl with a possible alcohol dependency and the last name of a rifle have a couple pomegranate martinis and the next thing you know she’s got her teeth lodged in your commemorative name changing monogrammed cake. Heather had to take her into the chef’s kitchen to break it down to her. “Um, you need to take your straggly hair and your sequin Cathy Jean heels and leave this party, she said. And then she summoned the rest of the ladies. “Girls? This mess needs to go.” Since no one was sober or interested they let Slade walk her to the door, because he had nothing better to do and he always loves a hair fight. And in what was one of the greatest moments of Housewives history and quite possibly a simultaneous audition for Young & The Restless Sarah uttered the following words in desperation: “Is THIS the world that we live in? This is all because of a cake?” Yes, Sarah. It’s about 13 years of marriage, four kids, and a five hundred dollar cake. It’s like going to a Quinceanera and then eating all of the tacos. You just don’t that. Show some respect.
Gretchen wanted to give Tamra something special. They’d been going steady now for at least five months and they were both completely surprised with the way their relationship had turned. Just last year Gretchen dreamt Tamra would get her scalp burned with a flat iron or that one of her breast implants would explode. But this year they have fun girl trips to the sex toy store or to get their under arms waxed. So it just felt right giving her a Brighton bracelet with attached glitter charms. Plus, as she explained. They’re just two Maxxonistas. Just always up for a fun trip to TJ Maxx to look for mismatched pillows, a pair of wedges, or a reduced price potholder. She wanted Tamra to know that their friendship was fo’ realz and the relationship would forever be “unbreakable”. “Listen, Girl”, she said. You gotsta know that no one can let you down. That you’ve got a spirit, girl. There’s a light there. Just open your heart and be free. Because you are “Unbreakable”. And then she let everyone know her debut single “Unbreakable” would be available on iTunes this week. Well played, Rossi. Also, I think they are officially engaged now. Sorry, Eddie.
Vicki was in a pretty good mood by now. The champagne and the various prescription pills she popped on the drive over finally started to kick in. “Did you see Brook’s teeth”, she asked Terry. “Oh, sure”, he said. “They’re chomperiffic!” “I know”, she whispered. “I paid for them.” And Brooks was having a great time too. He had been going through everyone’s wallets and handbags when they’d get up to get a tour of the cake. She was happy that Briana was there, but thought it would be good for her to talk to Ryan about the recent demise of their relationship. “Hey, Buddy”, she said. “Come over here and talk to your new mama,” and then dipped down and pressed her lips against his.
Alexis had been pretty clear that Jim would not be attending the evening’s festivities. He needed to be at home “working” on his “new businesses” and “taking care of the kids.” So everyone was surprised when he waltzed in with his new chin and a snazzy vest normally worn by a Las Vegas card dealer. He wanted to talk to Terry about his phony statement about Alexis. His wife worried that it was a bad time, but he was kind enough to scold her in public by saying that she was not wearing the pants in their relationship. No, sir. Jimmy wears the pants and the post-surgical bandages in that family. But Terry was pretty honest. Did he say she was the “phoniest person he had ever met?” No, not exactly. Did he says she was “a walking air bubble with three brain cells and that she probably steals social security numbers to get credit cards to buy things she can not afford?” Yeah, kind of. So Jim just wanted to confront him. But he wanted to talk about it over a delicious Greek salad and an iced tea. He did not want to talk about it with all those house ladies standing there. So he left. He just took one of his leased cars and got out of dodge. But then he forgot he left his wife, so he turned around and got her. She needed to be home anyway. It was past her curfew and he needed her to pluck the stray hairs out of his back moles.
Back at the party they all sat down and toasted each other for another epic season. But when Vicki raised her glass to the now absent Alexis Tamra rolled her eyes. This did not sit well for Brooks. He had been looking for his soap opera moment and he knew time was running out. So he whispered to Vicki that Tamra had actually given her the “evil eye.” “I have your back”, he said. “I also have the key to your safety deposit box”, he whispered. Tamra and Brooks then started to argue and then Vicki told Eddie to get control of Tamra. Tamra suggested Vicki stop letting Brooks tell her what to think, which set Vicki off. Seriously, she lost her mind. I’m sure the Dubrows still have spit stains on their walls. The lady went postal. And then she tried to leave, but Heather wanted her to stay for the cake ceremony. Brooks agreed it was a good idea. He thought they should support Heather, and he also wanted more camera time. But then Vicki saw Tamra and Briana comparing notes and she started to panic. She summoned Ryan, Briana’s husband. It was the least he could do for taking her daughter away from her. Remember how you drove my kid through a drive-through chapel? Well go get her and tell her that she should only listen to me. But Briana, sweet Briana, was not having it. “Your boyfriend is a loser. No one likes him. So maybe you’re the one with the problem.” But Vicki will not let him go. You don’t spend all your money on a boyfriend just to let him get pushed out the door by your loved ones. Plus, she wants to pitch a spin-off called Vicki and Brooks: Plastic Love. It would be a travel show and reconstructive surgery show in one.
Heather gave a speech and then let everyone eat the cake.
And then the updates:
Heather still plans on opening a restaurant. Something where all of the menu items are less than 10 calories.
Eddie and Tamra are getting married this fall. Her son will be best man and Gretchen will perform “Unbreakable”.
Vicki and Brooks broke up and then got back together once Brooks realized he had some outstanding bills to pay.
Slade’s having his vasectomy reversed. He’s hoping Terry can do it on one of his days off. Gretchen wants to have a baby, but still thinks babies come out of your belly button.
Alexis is no longer with Fox 5. She has forfeited her dreams to open a trampoline park.
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