Luann and Aviva are old friends. They met years ago at a party and were immediately struck at their combined beauty, ability to speak in catty French, and glamour. So they had no choice to become gal pals. Luann is still a quasi Countess, even letting her last husband stay at their cottage in the Hamptons when he is traveling through town for his medications and lawn bowling equipment. Just Luann, her new boyfriend Pierre Pierre, former hubs, and the kids. How are the kids? They’re great. Victoria is a sullen artist depicting skulls and broken dreams in her most recent showcase at an art gallery that looks surprisingly like their garage. Noel is finishing up school and break dancing on the side. And yes, if you do have to ask they all speak French. French fries. French dressing. French bread. It’s Parlez Vous Francais all day long. Aviva, well, she is a lark. She’s pouty, blonde, and a real hoot. She’s still tight with her ex, who just happens to have had deep and meaningful one night stands with at least half the other women (he thinks Ramona is cray-zay). She is remarried now to someone related to Fran Drescher and they have two kids together bringing their grand total to 4. In fact she just dropped a baby out of her womb last year. She’s a real New York gal, with a Hermes bag on her arm and a pocketknife in her back pocket.
Sonja is up to her old tricks. She’s still got that townhome and she’s still throwing parties. And she is taking this whole toaster oven business to another level and owes it all to Ramona, who gave a powerful talk at the Learning Annex last week on how to start businesses. Just Sonja the Sex Goddess, a couple of homeless guys, and a woman with an addiction to bath salts. Making the American dream happen, one leaflet at a time. She and Aviva have old ties. Aviva’s ex-husband also happens to be Sonja’s best friend. So you can imagine Sonja’s trepidation when Aviva asked her to meet up for a pedicure. Plus she was carrying a bag, just like Eric Clapton used to do when he would carry his metal detector with him on all those fun trips to St. Tropez. But Aviva’s bag contained an extra leg so she can tidy up her toes. Somehow in Sonja’s various travels with Aviva’s ex-husband, who again happens to be her best friend he never mentioned that his former wife lost one half of her limb due to an unfortunate conveyor belt accident when she was in the first grade. But these two had a great time, just chatting away.
Sonja throws a soiree for her new Houselady friends. Carole is a writer and never leaves 14th street, so she has absolutely no idea who any of these people are. Does she have kids? Nope. Does she want any? Dear Lord, no. Is she married? Just a widow. So why is she on the Real Housewives? Still waiting to figure that one out. Instead of spending her day swilling chardonnay at fancy restaurants she has a real job where she interviews reality stars. And then there is Heather, sweet, frazzled Heather. She used to make pantyhose and corsets for all the big hip hop stars. You may have remembered her work from Destiny Child’s Strap ‘Em Down 1996 World Tour. But she is running her own biz now, shilling Japanese wrap robes and lingerie tops. Ramona and Luann are both there too and they are still fighting about the way Ramona tips the press off about Luann’s kid’s latest shenanigans.
The next day Ramona heads to Heather’s office. It’s nice to meet someone else with kids, a husband, and a love of fabrics. One woman almost died in childbirth – another had a child with a kidney condition. So much to talk about! So Ramona invites her to the Hamptons to her dinner party, a coveted invitation to say the least.
Back at Ramona’s place she can’t open any of her wine or her Valium bottles. She nervous because these parties are a big deal to her. Just a chance to show off the fruits of her QVC gig with pinot grigio, trays of pigs in a blanket, and tequila shots. She’s even let Sonja pay for her stay by having her make some of her turkey balls in her traveling oven. But the party takes a dive when Heather shows up with her weave and her sass. See, Heather makes a huge mistake by not fawning over her hosts. She would rather talk a little bit more about herself. But the great thing about the Singers is that they will put you in your place, even if it means humiliating you in front of the other guests and a national television audience. “See, you just interrupted again”, Mario explains. “You cut people off, can’t you see that”, Ramona adds? “Oh, really”, Heather asks. “Because I thought you were a total a-hole when we met too. Isn’t that interesting. Terrific house.” But the real highlight of the night was when Ramona snapped at Sonja for not acknowledging that her ex-husband is no longer her husband. How can you pretend you are still with that loser when Mario’s overweight snotty tennis partner is sitting right next to you?
The new girls meet up with Luann for a quick espresso to recap the weekend’s events. Luann stays long enough to let them know that:
1. Ramona will eat your children alive.
2. Ramona has spies occupying every part of the Hamptons and they will report their activities to the FBI and Daily News.
3. Luann loves the fresh spring breeze.
And then they all talked about how bat-shit crazy Ramona is and promised to never by “mean girls.” Good luck with that, sisters.