Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Teresa Builds an Army
Caroline slept well after her fight last week with Teresa. It’s one of the great things that come with being one of 11 children. You speak your peace, slash someone’s tires, and then get a good 8 hours of rest. Though you can’t say the same for Jacqueline. She sat and sobbed the entire night, her moans waking the entire neighborhood. The Manzo kids, Greg the roommate, and Uncle Chris spoke about this in the backyard the following morning over a bottle of wine. “Sorry about Aunt Jack, kids. Here’s a little window into what I have to deal with day-to-day. Someone returns a friendship bracelet and she has a mental breakdown.” Although he despises the Giudices and was mildly concerned his wife lay upstairs in a pool of her own tears he wondered out loud how the end of the Jac/Teresa friendship would interrupt their Napa Valley plans the following week. “I’ve got this new client riding on us all going to wine country and getting them on the show. So somebody better apologize.”
What was Teresa doing? She was back at her house with her husband Meatball who wasn’t so sympathetic. And in a performance practiced for hours the night before they discussed the demise of this once strong friendship. Teresa was upset that Jacqueline believed the stories she had been selling to the tabloids for months. She would have rather heard all about how she had fears of going broke, how her husband might go to jail, and how she will never let her family starve from her and not in a magazine in the checkout line at the grocery store. Especially since Teresa called her every morning and seemed to only have interest in discussing things like hair gel, under eye cream, and whether or not she should get Vajazzled. “What did the magazine say”, Joe questioned. This he asked despite being on a conference call with the reporter the week before, participating in several of the photo shoots, and then cashing in the check from the magazine for a couple solid nights at strip joints. “She thinks I’m going to jail, hon”, she explained. “What? If there is anyone going to jail in dis’ house it’s me. And maybe Milania. But not you. Listen, I have always hated that girl. (Joe hates everyone – except himself, God, and strangely Celine Dion). Just forget about her. I’ve got an appointment (with his lawyer). Now clean your face.” And in some ways she had already forgot about her. She was too busy working on strategy. She needed to build an Army. A Teresa Army filled with sycophants dressed in bedazzled tank tops and doo-rags. She had Dina on lock down and now was working on Kathy. She invited her to a local restaurant for French toast (sorry you can’t eat carbs) and pretended she was interested in reclaiming their relationship. Her plan was just coming together, though it was fairly obvious to Kathy that Teresa would rather eat glass than hang out with her without cameras.
Melissa put on an entire face of clown makeup for her song debut. Ryan Seacrest was generous enough to play it for her. But he wasn’t exactly thrilled with it. And neither was anyone else. Joe Gorga wondered what kind of people would put down a song by a suburban mother clawing her way to fame about paparazzi following her. “Don’t these people on twitter have lives”, he asked? (P.S. Thank you for the shout out!) I suppose they are the same kind of people who would air their family’s dirty laundry on reality television so they can get a song on iTunes. But Missy marched on. Tonight was her song remix premiere party at the Jersey Joint. (Not to be confused with the actual song release party hosted by the Manzo boys and featuring the delicious Black water brand that looks like tar).
Teresa, obviously noting her dwindling alliances, made a beeline for her brother at the party. She wanted him to know that she had rethought the therapist/physical therapist suggestion and was hopeful they could reclaim their slightly creepy relationship. Her husband had been the one to make her feel like therapy was a waste of time. He knew this after his parents sought the help of a psychotherapist when he was 11. “It don’t work”, he’d say. “You know, you throw a couple people down a cliff and they think you need to see a shrink.” But Teresa was up for it now after sharing a glass of white zinfandel with Joe on the driveway next to the concrete truck and behind the tarp covered mud pits. She had asked for Joe’s support and despite him saying he was actually embarrassed for her, she knew he would back her up. In the same way he also supported her, financially, emotionally, and physically.
Back at the bar Jacqueline was seething. When she saw Teresa approach Melissa to ask about the Danielle tweets she rushed over. But when she tried to interject she was told to back off. “She’s my sister-in-law so goodbye”, Teresa snapped. And then Jacqueline went off the rails. “She’s just fake, fake, fake. I can’t be friends with someone who is a liar. Maybe she can sell some more stories so she can pay off that $11 million in debt.” It was ON. But it was Kathy’s tattooed bikini wearing bondage friend Heather who brought Jacqueline back from the brink. “Stop taking on everyone else’s problems and just have a shot of tequila.” That she could do.
Where was Melissa while this was all happening? She was celebrating herself. She was celebrating herself on the cover of Boulevard Dreams Magazine (a Jersey must-read). This dance remix was going to take her places. Maybe, just maybe if she prayed to Baby Jesus enough she could perform that song on Dancing With the Stars or on Live with Jionni and Josephine (a Jersey Italian favorite too). So tonight she would dance and smile and fist pump.
