The wedding day finally arrived but all anyone could do was talk about Teresa’s new InTouch Weekly cover. It was a sweet picture. Just Teresa, Gia, and a borrowed dog beneath a heartwarming title about her fear of going poor. She told the girls it was just another picture for the church directory. It wasn’t like they would see it. They’re too young to buy groceries at Shop n Mart. What’s the big deal anyway? So what if she sells pictures to tabloids? But she had to explain herself again. Why can’t these women just appreciate the lengths she will go to pay off her massive debt? It’s just what you do when you are an A-list celebrity. You tell tales to sell your cookbooks. Just ask Paula Deen and Rachel Ray. They will tell you. Stayed tuned for next week, she says, when I will be renewing my vows. It’s a Disney Princess theme. It was her only option as she had to somehow put to rest all the rumors. No, she and Joe are not getting a divorce. No, Joe isn’t cheating on her. Yes, she no longer remembers the natural tone to her spray tanned skin. Yes, Joe is only 5’3.” You get the idea. But instead of confronting Teresa on the nonsense she sold to the tabloids the Laurita/Manzo clan remained silent. Because starting a fight with Teresa is sort of like getting into an argument with a blender. You can’t win unless you shut it off.
Teresa was excited about the wedding. She loved the chance to throw on some sling backs and take her husband out for a spin. In fact that morning she brought the cameras into her hotel room to show them how she tried to mount him while he looked at his phone or catched up on Days of Our Lives. See, we still get it on! Look at the K-Y Jelly on the nightstand. Except Joe explained that he actually used it to dislodge his wedding ring from his swollen stubby fingers so he could pick up ladies at the strip bar.
Back in Jersey the Gorgas were officially opening their shore house. They’re sort of known for these parties. Somehow they are able to combine family fun with class and sex. Like Eyes Wide Shut meets Goonies. Hot dogs for the kids and tequila shots and a key jar for the parents. And they were sweet to invite the neighbors, a nice elderly couple. Melissa asked them to come by later for watermelon shots and hot tub humping. “Oh, you can’t? You need to set your pacemaker? Well, do you mind if we use your deck?”
Back in Chicago everyone got aboard the wedding charter in their garden attire, except Joe Giudice who wore his signature tight white linen Ed Hardy blouse. All the ladies wore their Royal wedding themed hats. “Don’t I look like Kate Hudson”, she asked? But everyone was confused. “You know, the princess.” But the Laurita/Manzo clan was losing their patience with the Giudices. Even Greg, their son’s roommate who they apparently formally adopted last year looked on in disgust. But Chris Laurita thought a great way to bring the group together was to invite them all to the new vineyard he and his nephews brought on as their new client. Haven’t heard of the Manzo Boys PR and marketing firm? I know, totally weird that two kids whose collective work experience includes parking cars and setting up tables at their parent’s catering business could counsel clients on PR messaging and business development. But the show has given them a platform. Look at the great work they have done promoting that black bottled water company no one has ever seen on store shelves. So this wine client will give them yet another opportunity to travel together. And Chris wanted to make the trip special, so he invited the Giudices naturally.
The ceremony was beautiful. Two men clad in white suits entered the ceremony in a horse and carriage to an audience comprised of guidos and over tanned housewives in leopard print. It was pure magic. Teresa, moved by the vows, turned to her husband and softly whispered I love you. “Yeah”, he said.
Joe Gorga wanted to take his pool party up a notch so he started to play Melissa’s new single “Rockstar” off her new CD “Living in Jersey is Da Real Thang” while dancing shirtless. There’s just something about those steroid arms, his freshly waxed back, eyeliner, and doo rag that just gets the women dancing. Well, that and Rich Wakile’s unbuttoned shirt. But Joe had to step aside briefly to send his sister yet another text to ask her to set aside her obvious hate so they could bring together the family once and for all. “Dear Tre. I’ze miss yous and the girls. Can we see a therapist and get this stuff straight?”
Teresa was thanking Jamie for inviting her to his “civil rights” ceremony when the text came through. But instead of discussing it immediately she used the reception to announce she had just received a text that said her cookbooks had made the “New York Inquirer’s Best Book List”. You mean the New York Times best sellers list? They all looked at their plates. They would not give her the satisfaction of congratulating her. That is what she wanted, you see. But she told Jacqueline about her brother’s text while everyone else watched a Donna Summer roller skating tribute back on the dance floor. Jacqueline suggested a counselor might be a good idea. They can help you figure out why you are a nightmare, she explained. But Teresa was fairly certain that it was her brother that had the real problem; at least that is what her husband told her. And what Joe said is what mattered. She deferred to him on all important decisions and that included their finances, legal matters, and what eye shadow she should wear.
The Gorgas finished out their party with a whipped cream fight while the wedding party in Chicago lit wish lanterns. It was a romantic idea. Just as this new couple enjoyed their new commitment all their guests could make wishes to send off to the universe. Caroline wished for Teresa to get kicked off the show. Jacqueline wished Ashlee would return home one day with a job and her normal lips. Teresa wished she could figure out a way to curl her hair without frizz and Joe Giudice
wished that his steroid withdrawals would not interfere with a good night sleep that night.
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