Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: I’m Coming Out!
Teresa feels sort-of bad that Gia is having some issues concerning her ongoing feud with her brother. She hopes that her four daughters never have to face the same issue, having to mount a campaign to outspend and out bedazzle a competing sister-in-law. “Listen, Gia”, she explained, “I am trying really hard to make things right with my brother. You see that, right? I just want your uncle to divorce his wife. Okay, baby cakes? By the way, the photographer from InTouch Weekly is coming over in fifteen minutes to take our family pre-jail photos. Can you put on that pink jumper I laid out for you? I need to go wax my forehead. Thanks, lamb.”
Kathy and Rosie are pretty tight. Their relationship only blossomed after Rosie finally admitted that she was gay. Not that anyone was really surprised. She did drive a Corvette, spend her weekends caulking bathrooms, and spent the better part of her 20s following the Indigo Girls. But it was a big relief and she had determined it was probably time to tell Kathy’s kids. So they headed out to the local pizza shop and began some open dialogue.
(At this point in tonight’s program I begin crying and cheer. God bless America. Go Rosie).
Joe and Melissa take a quick ride over to the abandoned mental ward he has just purchased. He will be spending the next couple months converting it into luxury apartments. It will be a sweet little property with all the accoutrements including a gym, valet parking, and a ground floor ING café. Melissa worries it night be haunted, but the sounds creeping in the back are just graffiti artists and meth addicts congregating near the basement furnace. Joe decides it is a perfect time to send a text to Teresa to let her know for the 153rd time that he just wants his sister back. But Teresa is too busy getting her ego massaged by Kim D. to take it seriously. You know, Kim, right? She’s the leather-faced owner of Posche clothing corner. You know, the old lady you always see smoking cigarettes at the pool with the implants? That Kim. Apparently they are friends. Except Teresa refers to her as a “fan” and doesn’t really listen to anything she has to say unless it involves compliments about her makeup and she supplies the cocktails.
Later that day Teresa meets up with Jacqueline and she tells her how her brother is still trying to work it out between them. “He says we should see a physical therapist”, she says. “But we are old school Italians. We don’t go to therapy. If we have a problem we just shoot each other or figure out a way for the other person to get arrested.” But therapy can be a good thing, Jacqueline explains. It’s done wonders for her relationship with her lazy and ungrateful daughter.
The whole gang heads out to Chicago for Caroline’s brother Jamie’s wedding. For some reason Teresa and Joe are also invited, so they had to hire a 15 year old they plan on paying in pebbles and Maybelline lip liners. Jamie is marrying his partner Rich in a garden ceremony at their home, which looks like a cross between the exterior of your neighborhood Cracker Barrel and a miniature golf course at Dutch Wonderland. Dina can’t make it because she was too busy with her new show schedule and also because she’s no longer to speaking to the majority of her family. It’s not uncommon, Caroline, explains, for most people in a large family to despise each other. But the wedding must continue and it’s a pastels and hats themed affair. And what is a wedding without at least one gay man in a pink tank top (thanks Greg!).
The Wakiles are sitting this one out. They’ve got a sweet beach rental at the Shore and a house full of people and a trio of minimum wage paid waitresses serving red velvet cosmos. And everyone is dressed up. Kathy’s got her pink tube dress on. Rosie is wearing her crocs. Rich has his shirt unbuttoned to his navel and a cute little tie in front. It’s a celebration, you see. It’s a Gay Pride Hot Tub Party! The Gorgas are there too, of course. Everyone knows if there is a hot tub and a bucket of meatballs you know the Gorgas will be there. Kathy also invited her sexy friend Heather who is married to a former basketball player. They’re old buddies from book club.
(At this point in tonight’s program a tattooed and bikini-wearing Heather in the Jacuzzi straddles Rosie and my earlier feelings of joy are replaced with uncomfortable dry heaving. It’s like Jersey Shore, but with people in their mid 40s).
Back at the wedding preparations Joe Giudice is trying desperately to fit in. “Hey you’s guys. There was a time when I’ze thoughts that’s I was gay. It was back in college when I made out with my friend in front of Cabaret Saloon. I was wearing red leather pants and a jean jacket.” But everyone tried to ignore him. But it became all the more difficult when they got on the after party bus and he tried to bond with tank top Greg. It didn’t go well and the Manzo/Laurita family was done. They just can’t do it anymore. It was funny when they were ballroom dancing years ago, but the tide has turned. Now Joe Giudice is just a shell of the meatball he used to be. Now he’s just a shorter version with alcohol bloat and steroid arms.
