Guess who can finally do girl’s night? Katie Holmes is now free from the prison that has been her sham marriage for the last five years! Can you believe it? It’s going to be epic. Does anyone know where we can rent a stretch white Hummer limo for the night? Because we are about to get cah-raaz-zay.
While her attorney just put out a release that says “this is a personal and private matter for Katie and her family” I do want you to know I just got a text from her that says: “I’m free. Contract negotiations done. Know any single dudes? I haven’t made out since 2005.”
Notice the wording on that statement. This is a private matter for Katie. Not Kate – the name she was forced to take during her sentence.
Remember Tom’s recent quote about how he loves to spend his free time with his wife walking around the lake. You know, throwing stones and skipping? You know how Katie liked to spend her free time over the last 5 years? Looking at a calendar.
For those that wonder how this love affair could have ever ended I ask you to consider the following:
- Katie lived in a separate wing of their house with its own bedroom, nursery, dining room, and living area. Where did he live? In another part of the house with his sisters and their kids.
- They were never alone. They always had Scientology minders, bodyguards, and staff around. This would include the moment of Suri’s “conception.”
- It doesn’t usually end well when the groom makes the bride cut off all communication with friends, management team, and a large part of her family.
- They never made out.
But now she doesn’t have to spend her free time buying yarn and cupcakes. She doesn’t have to pour over Scientology manuals. She doesn’t have to submit a timesheet.
She can wear lingerie again. She can have a conversation that does not include the words “amazing” and “glorious.” She can grow out her hair. She doesn’t have to watch his movies anymore!
Do you think Nicole Kidman will want to join us? I bet she’d be in for some cocktails. Those two could throw back a few lemon drop shots and set the night on fire. We could get them tiaras and light sticks.
My suggestion for her first move post-divorce? I think she should join the next season of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
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