Jessica Simpson and People Magazine v. Normal Women
People Magazine in partnership with Weight Watchers featured an obviously photo shopped Jessica Simpson on this week’s cover. Jess, as you probably can recall, had an 18-month pregnancy and gave birth last month to a baby the size of a pre-schooler. So like her contemporaries struggling to stay relevant after a hiatus sold pictures of herself while holding her prop child for the tune of $800,000.
Normal women don’t want to get photographed three weeks after giving birth. They are still trying to remember how to go to the bathroom without the aid of a warm spray bottle. Their body is still swollen and their eyeballs are often recovering from blown blood vessels during labor. Their hair is typically a mountain of grease sitting atop a makeshift banana clip.
But Jessica is revelation. She’s got her long flowing hair extensions curled and masterfully placed over her enlarged boulders. Her long prairie dress flowing in the garden of her over-flowered home. She paid Rachel Ashwell millions of dollars to scour local garage sales so she could sand dressers and spit shine broken mirrors to create a baby nursery to rival the gardens at the Las Vegas Wynn. She is surprisingly dewy and glowing. How is this possible?
A graphics-editing program, my friends.
Did you see her fingers? She’s got the hands of E.T. Her eyes are all of a sudden long and flat. Her shoulder is oddly stretched.
You mean People Magazine is lying?
Um, yes. But isn’t Jessica?
She is signed on to work with Weight Watchers, a program she allegedly planned to do before she learned she was pregnant. When she got the good news, she stopped counting her points. “I was like, ‘I’m going to enjoy my pregnancy,’ and I did,” she tells PEOPLE. “I ate very healthy, but I did indulge some of my cravings – and that’s okay because I know I can work it off now.”
And by cravings she means butter smothered pop tarts and cookie dough covered brownies dipped in fudge and then fried in lard. My guess is it might be a little hard to work funion baked chicken and Snicker bar bread of all that quickly when you haven’t left the couch since 2010.
Are you serious, People Mag?
“There’s not a goal weight – I just want to feel normal and fixate on inches,” she says. “I really want to set small goals, so I’m constantly reaching goals and not looking at something so far ahead.”
And what she can’t rid of with barbell lifting during the Young and the Restless she will hand over to the good experts at the Lipo Factory. And then she will tell you that she did it by hiking or with Zumba classes.
And although she has yet to receive the “all clear” consent of her doctor to hit the gym, Jessica knows it will be no time.
“I’ve kind of broken one rule. I think I have the sexiest man in the world. So that’s the rule I break.”
So she can’t walk around the block to work up a sweat, but she can have her fiancée sit her upright despite a freshly stapled stomach to get down to business.
Well done, People Mag. Hope this garners you a Pulitzer.
One Response to “Jessica Simpson and People Magazine v. Normal Women”
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“I ate very healthy.”
Uh Jess, I saw you on Ellen. You were eating Funions dipped in ranch during your interview. Then again, technically onions are a vegetable. I mean, right?
“Come on, ya’ll? Why ya gotta be so mean?”