Real Housewives of Orange County Recap

Four years ago Alexis suffered the devastating effects of a Demerol induced quasi-coma. She also had twins, but that’s a side issue. While hopped up on Coumadin and morphine she sort of almost died as her husband stood by her and spoke to Jesus in a soft whisper. “Please, don’t let me lose my trophy wife. Without her I am just a balding pool table salesman without a chin and 5 Cadillacs about to be repossessed. You hear me, padre? But she pulled through. So today is a celebration of her comeback from the dead and it also happens to be the same day of her daughter’s birthday. So Melodonia and Maracas got to invite their new friends over for a fun Princess and Puppy fiesta. What is a Princess/Puppy party? It’s an old OC tradition where your mother dresses up like a 16-year-old hooker with a tiara and forces you to wear Disney dresses and drag makeup. In addition, and completely related, you have a section of your patio chained off for dogs to shat while your guests stand around and try to explain to their toddlers that no, in fact, they can’t take any of them home with them. It’s a real win-win for everyone involved. And this Alexis, she really knows how to do it. You want your girls to have high self-esteem? You force your girls to wear MAC makeup. You have your hairdresser style their hair like a girl on the prom court who just walked out of the bushes with leaves in her hair. It sends a great message.

Slade is ready to propose to Gretchen despite his dried up bank account. Since Kay Jewelers and Robbins Brothers would not return his calls he is hoping the Ring Factory on the Balboa Peninsula is willing to work out a deal with him. And to make matters worse he brings Heather, who waltzes in with her Hermes belt and Prada slippers. Heather says Gretchen mentioned how she really likes canary diamonds. “How much does a yellow blingy one cost”, he asks. “250K? Oh, see that’s a little out of my price range. Can’t we work out some sort of deal where you put a wad of gum in the middle of a setting and then I can come back after Gretchen becomes a pop star and we can switch out the stone?” The salesman and Heather look horrified. “No, it’s totally cool”, he explains. “Her last fiancée, Pop-Pop Jay, gave her a cubic zirconium and she still wears it. She won’t care. I mean, she shops at Claire’s Boutique and our entire house is decorated from TJ Maxx. Seriously, not a big deal.”

Tamara heads over to Dr. Terry to get the remaining skin from her botched tattoo removed from her ring finger. It was, as you remember, her last attempt at keeping her ex-husband Simon happy. Everyone knows the ring tattoo is your last Hail Mary before the divorce paperwork is signed. She’s tried to scrape it off before, but it remains and Lockjaw Eddie can not propose to his lady knowing the word Raccoon (or is it Salmon) is on there. But rest assured three diarrhea trips later it’s off. And she’s got the mangled finger to prove it. But before things get any more serious between them he has to at least spend time with her kids. He’s down with it, but she worries that once he sees them throw their book bags on the floor or when they ask for a ride to practice he might freak out. I mean, he is a Latin sensation. Will he want a woman who has young children? Better to keep them sequestered for the last two years than ruin what they’ve got.

Gretchen stops by Heather’s mansion to chat about Slade. I love him, she says, but it’s hard making dinner plans when you are always worried your boyfriend will get served with papers.

The staff at Alexis’ birthday party have put their final touches on the bridal cake and fastened the napkin tablecloth to the fold out tables. The Disney princesses are in position too. Cinderella, Snow White, and Grandma Princess all ready to go. Alexis put a lot into this party. She got some corn dogs and cupcakes, moved the furniture around, and most importantly made sure her beauty staff spray tanned her, adjusted her weave, and spackled her makeup. She’s wearing a cocktail dress and Lucite heels (because it’s a morning party). Her girls are in full Jon Benet regalia. Jimbo even showed up! He’s in a dinner jacket and pants and pulled out his racecar scarf from the boxes. So, yeah, it’s on. But what can really take this party up a notch? Alexis rented a carriage from the staff over at Quinceañera Plus so she could take a couple laps around the neighborhood and feel like the royalty she will never be.

Vicki is still freaking out about Briana’s nuptials. So she heads over to her apartment to talk it out. “Listen, Bri, you’ve done your mama wrong”, she says. “What happened to the whole wedding you owe me? How’s your mother going to look at the rest of her employees and the lady who checks her groceries and tell them that her daughter did not want her involved with the most important day of her life? What is that supposed to say about you?” “Really mom”, she says. “You want to go there? You want me to let everyone know what skanktastic hypocrisy you are currently practicing? Cause you don’t want to go there.” Vicki’s eyeballs are about to explode. “Go ahead”, she says. “Bring it.”

What did we learn from Briana throwing her mother under the bus?

1. Brooks and Vicki have carried on a relationship for years. (She read emails on Vicki’s home computer while drinking sangria and eating Lime Tostitos with her girlfriends).

2. Brooks has kids in two different states that he apparently ignores. (They talk too much and always “need” things).

3. He had a DUI.

4. He owes child support.

5. He’s never tried to get to know Vicki’s kids. (He still thinks their names are Brielle and Monty).

6. He drives Vicki’s car. (Her vanity plate reads INSRE ME).

Then she calls him an opportunist.

Boo-Ya.

Vicki can’t handle it and jets.

So I am not sure Brooks will be getting an invitation to the “We are Actually Already Married (and I am with child) Ceremony & Reception” at the Coto de Caza Inn this summer.