Heather and Tamra meet up for a couple’s dinner to discuss their upcoming trip to the Costa Rican jungle. Right as the appetizers were being served Tamra shares with Terry that as part of her sit-down with Alexis days before she shared just how much he finds her to be phony. Hope you don’t mind, she says. Just thought she would want to know not only how vile I think she is, but you too. Heather is displeased, but you can’t really tell because her face barely moves. But she thinks the trip might be the best opportunity for the girls to sit Alexis down for an intervention. Just go ‘Scared Straight’ style on her. Just a private conversation between the five of them, a group of Producers, a grip and cameraman, and a national television audience. It would help her, she says.
Alexis is back at her mansion of the moment packing for her trip with her hair assistant/make up layer/eyelash instructor. She’s excited for the trip. She’s been looking for somewhere to wear the safari blouse and fedora she picked up at the Camarillo Premium Outlets and the rain forest should be perfect. Heather is across town packing up her Versace Maxi dresses and Jimmy Choo wedges while Gretchen and Slade pack up her Forever 21 slouchy mesh bikini cover-up, her sequin Gretchen Christine wife beater, and her Jessica Simpson pleather heels.
Early the next morning the girls meet up at LAX to fly off to Miami to pick up Vicki at her insurance conference and then onto Costa Rica. (Why get a straight flight when Vicki can make everyone work their itineraries around her schedule?) And these girls are suited up for a trip of a lifetime. And who can miss Gretchen in her banana yellow whimsical scarf dress or Tamra’s hot pants and matching bright pink suitcases?
11 hours later they arrive at their resort, which looks much like a Howard Johnsons in the Florida Panhandle. Their rooms are somewhat cramped, which worries Alexis who needs enough room to dry her hair extensions.
But they head down to the pool out back to throw back some tequila shots and compare each other’s jewelry before the sun rises. Alexis is yet again wearing her 4-carat cubic zirconium. She keeps her real ring, the glass one Jim got from one of his old pawnshops, in the junk drawer at home. Vicki is surprised to hear Alexis will only be there for another two days. But she explains that she’s got to get back home to the kids. Jimbo just can’t handle more than 48 hours without her help. He needs that time for Xbox and eBay. And it’s not like they have the nannies they used to have. You just can’t pay people in buttons and hair barrettes like you used to. Damn recession.
The next morning they meet up for breakfast before heading out on their first excursion zip lining through the jungle. Like all reasonable Costa Rican tourists they come dressed ready to zip-line in implant hugging tank tops and glitter bandanas. Heather leans over and whispers to Vicki, “where did you get that bedazzled “Faith” trucker hat? I must get one for my gardener Juan.” But Vicki doesn’t hear her because she is trying to come down from a possible prescription pill haze.
When they arrive at the platform the resort staff is happy to greet them. Just another group of sweet old ladies from a bridge club taking a trip together without their grandkids. Heather is a bit scared and Alexis tries to reassure her that it isn’t a big deal. So everyone is a bit taken back when Alexis suddenly becomes overcome with fear when it’s her turn. “This is okay, right”, she asks? “None of these branches can break off my new nose, right? If I fall will my implants explode? This chin strap won’t rub up against my lip injections, will they?”
Vicki comes back from a quick call with Brooks. It’s important for her to check in time to time so she can get her daily affirmations and make sure he hasn’t removed the contents of her savings into an offshore account. But this doesn’t go well with the ladies, particularly Tamra who acknowledges how in the past she would go after anyone who would do the same. “Really, Vicki? You gotsta make a call now? You were so much more attentive when you were in a loveless marriage. You can’t say one thing, and then do another. Hypocrite.” Oh, God, no. She did it. Vicki was just coming down from her crazy sauce. This is going to set her over the edge now. “Hypocrite, Tamra? Are you trying to get me started? Cause I will go straight street on you. I thought you had my back, girl?”
Before dinner Heather and Tamra decide tonight is the night for the Alexis intervention. Did you see the way she carried on before the zip line? She’s so dramatic. She’s like a middle-aged woman on a reality television show clinging to fame. It’s sad, it really is. So they’ll just get whatever Vicki has stashed in her purse, crush it up, and drop it in her wine. No big thang, they used to do it to Lynn before she was kicked off the show.
After the drinks arrive and they all wonder about the guy’s dinner Slade is spearheading back home. Is Jimbo going, they ask? He never mentioned it to me, she says. She doesn’t think he was invited. But he was, they say. Maybe he didn’t pick up their call because the number was unlisted and they have a policy in their house that no one answers the phone. Too many bill collectors, I suppose. But it fires up Alexis enough that she suggests they finally discuss the “white elephant in the room.” Wait. We’re having a holiday gift exchange? “No, I want to talk about how you apparently think I am “fake”, she says. How can you possibly say that? I am the most realest real person I know. Just as Jim. Ask Jesus. They will tell you.” But the problem is all she does is talk about cars, her surgery, and her gifts from Jimbo. She’s a one-upper, you see. But as Vicki points outs, normal people try to save their money and put it in savings so they can retire one day. Not the Bellinos. Retire? That’s for amateurs. They’re gamblers. They’re sharks, if you will. Players, my friends. High rollers as they would say. Jim sells things so they can live like rich people for a couple weeks and then try to figure out a way to pay the electricity bill. That’s what entrepreneurs do. It’s what he tells her is part of the biz. Heather, you understand, right?
“I ran into Jim before the show”, Heather explains. “We were sitting around the Tory Burch display at Nordstroms listening to him tell your son in a very loud tone about how much each pair of sneakers cost and how the most expensive were the best. I found it very displeasing.” Alexis is confused. “Wait, what? Where was I? With my girls? I bet I was in the dressing room trying on various expensive outfits for the Nordstrom cashiers so they could tell me how beautiful I look with zero intension of actually buying anything. It’s fun for me.”
And then Gretchen tried to break it down for her. Alexis, what they are trying to say is sometimes you (as she proceeds with sign language gestures) act like you are Lisa Vanderpump when we all know you are about three bills short of a Sheree Whitfield.
A saline tear drops from Alexis’ pre-lift eye and falls onto her plantain platter.
SPECIAL NOTE: Join me tonight when I talk all Bravo shows on Spreecast at 7pm Pacific. Click on: http://www.spreecast.com/events/rhorh16
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