Lindsay Lohan Should Never Have Hosted SNL
Since I was a child I have had a few but simple dreams. I wanted to win an Olympic medal, know what it feels like to have a natural tan, and appear on Saturday Night Live. I take SNL seriously. Just ask my family and childhood friends whom I forced to reenact skits on a weekly basis. Some people look up to Jesus. I call Gilda Radner my Lord and Savior.
Lindsay Lohan should never have been able to host. She begged Producer Lorne Michaels to let her insisting she had reclaimed her commitment to her craft and turned the chapter on her crack loving ways. This was despite having nothing to promote as normal hosts do. Her last great performance? Leaving a nightclub bathroom without cocaine all over her face. In fact she was so bold to say in an interview with Matt Lauer on the TODAY show that she had become a homebody. (And by homebody she means waiting on your doorstep for your dealer to drop by). But what did she do the evening before the big show? She stayed up past 4 a.m. at Chinatown hotspot Le Baron. Which might explain why she was horrendous on the Saturday telecast. Her monologue was tired. She barely appeared in skits. She was blatant in her reading of the cue cards. Her face, no longer that of a young woman in her 20s but of a middle-aged drag queen.
She had to get her teeth capped just months ago because they were yellow, cracked, and slowly disintegrating. But she should host a show that skewers people? She is the joke.
You know what she did after her performance? Head over to the after party, drink a glass or two of Evian and nibble on some rolls? Head home early so she could put on a facemask and drink some green tea? Hardly. She headed back to Le Baron and “danced” again until the early morning hours.
But perhaps the worst part of all of this is that she kept asking everyone at the after-party how she did. Um, you were horrible, crack-face. Didn’t you hear the non-laughs in the studio audience? Notice how everyone is avoiding making eye contact with you? And then she had her mother/manger tell everyone just how “hilarious” she was and then insist the cue card holders had it in for her.
You know who would have been a better host? Me.
|Note the appropriate attire for her morning show interview. Nothing says Good Morning! like spray tanned jugs.