Kate's Life

10 Things No One Tells You Happens Immediately After Giving Birth

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Congratulations! You’ve just pushed a human being out of your lady pocket. It’s been a long 9 months and now you have a beautiful baby resting beside you in your hospital recovery room. Makes you think back to all the times you complained in those last few weeks of your pregnancy. “I just can’t wait until she’s here!” Oh, really? Well now you have to take care of her. She was a lot quieter when she was still lodged underneath your ribs. Didn’t have to change a diaper when she was still break dancing on your bladder.

Here are 10 things no one will tell you immediately after you give birth to your baby.

  1. Please accept the diaper cut open and filled with ice and then placed inside your new pair of mesh underwear. You will need it if you plan on ever having feeling downstairs again.
  2. “The baby’s out, but I still look pregnant.” Don’t be alarmed; you will look like a deflated balloon for a few weeks.
  3. You thought labor was over? Enjoy two days of contractions every time you try to breast feed. It’s your uterus contracting itself down to its previous position.
  4. If you are planning on having visitors make sure you’ve got a hooter hider and a big enough blanket to camouflage your catheter bag hanging off the side of your Craftmatic Adjustable Bed.
  5. Take all of the complimentary soap, diapers, and gauze from your room since this two-day stay just set you back an easy $2,000. It’s like a weekend trip to Vegas but with more fluid.
  6. Remember how everyone was sweet to you while you were pregnant? Now that the baby is out no one cares anymore, so take advantage of the red help button on the side of your bed. Go out in a blaze of glory.
  7. Everyone will annoy you. Blame the hormones.
  8. At this point of the journey your husband is pretty useless unless he is delivering food or pain pills. Send him home. You are in no mental state to listen to him complaining about his lower back pain from the hospital cot.
  9. If you are struggling to keep your eyeballs open it is okay to send the baby to the nursery. Reward yourself for this physical achievement by taking a power nap. Don’t worry; it will not affect your child’s chances of getting into Stanford 18 years from now.
  10. Be clear if you want visitors. Ask yourself if you would be uncomfortable releasing the milk from your breasts while they are in the room. Is this person a close enough friend that you won’t be embarrassed when you have to explain the water bottle in the bathroom is used to squeegee the spot that just pushed out your baby? Do you want them to see you in a backless hospital gown?

 

The good news is that your hospital stay will culminate with a wheelchair ride to your car, which will be waiting for you at the valet stand. Your hard work has paid off with a sweet angelic face resting in your possibly-still-numb arms. Believe it or not months will turn into a year and you will look forward to repeating the whole process.

Welcome to the club, Mom!

Pregnant or know someone who is? Check out my book You Know You Are Pregnant When…. Funny Quotes From Women Who Have Been There on Amazon.com. 

10 Things No One Tells You Happens Immediately After Giving Birth

10 Things No One Tells You Happens Immediately After Giving Birth

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mm

Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

2 Comments

  1. Laura Presicci

    August 27, 2015 at 10:26 pm

    You nailed it.

    • mm

      Kate

      August 28, 2015 at 12:52 am

      Thank you!

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