10 Reasons I’d Be a Horrible Kardashian

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I’d make a horrible Kardashian.

I had considered for a few hours asking Kris and Bruce Jenner to adopt me. But as I understand from Kris’ sister’s interview with In Touch Weekly they are probably getting a divorce anyway. Plus how would they explain me? Here is my 36 year-old adopted sister? (Although I do already have a K name and I am willing to do the heavy lifting by being the only family member who is willing to chat with Bruce). You have to be sexy if you want to be a Kardashian. At this present moment I am wearing a cardigan sweater. You need to embrace plastic surgery. (I am the before in the before and after photos).

Here’s an issue right off the bat. I am pale, blonde, and blue-eyed. I would destroy all family photos and marketing materials because as I understand it in order to be a successful Kardashian you must have jet-black hair and copper spray tanned skin. Why do you think they make Khloe dye her hair so dark? So it’s less obvious she’s nearly a foot taller and her mom’s hairdresser is actually her father.

Most of all I think my life is too boring. They go to Greece for family vacations. My last vacation was the 24 hours I spent in the hospital after pushing out my baby. They go to red carpet events. I go to CVS.

What else? I mean beyond refusing to put up with Kanye?

1. I refuse to wear anything that is leopard or cheetah print. I believe wearing it is a gateway to living in a split-level house, getting home perms, and having an addiction to the Home Shopping Network.

2. I would want my kids to get a college education. I’d be the “annoying” sister who thinks it is better to have a degree in business or nursing versus a sock line or a sex tape.

3. I’d get shame attacks if forced to sit through a dinner discussion on body waxing or how to give a proper lap dance.

4. I like to read books and keep up to date on politics and the general state of the world.

5. I believe a woman should restrain her jugs in a properly fitted bra.

6. I don’t own enough makeup.

7. I would have a hard time making it through family conference calls about how to avoid Lamar’s drug addiction during filming of the family Christmas special.

8. Nightclub appearances would be difficult given my 9:30 bedtime and inability to drink a full of glass of wine.

9. 75% of my life is spent in running sneakers.

10. I’d be the only one asking what Scott does for a living.

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Kate is a humor writer covering pop culture including celebrity gossip analysis and show recaps, pregnancy, and parenting.


  1. Kayla

    October 3, 2013 at 11:40 pm

    ALL Photoshopped. I am pretty sure the fluffy little white cat in the box was not that white to begin with. Can we say dodge tool? I was wondering where Kim was, then I realized that’s probably who you replaced. Who needs her anyways?

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