10 Reasons I’d Be a Horrible Kardashian
I’d make a horrible Kardashian.
I had considered for a few hours asking Kris and Bruce Jenner to adopt me. But as I understand from Kris’ sister’s interview with In Touch Weekly they are probably getting a divorce anyway. Plus how would they explain me? Here is my 36 year-old adopted sister? (Although I do already have a K name and I am willing to do the heavy lifting by being the only family member who is willing to chat with Bruce). You have to be sexy if you want to be a Kardashian. At this present moment I am wearing a cardigan sweater. You need to embrace plastic surgery. (I am the before in the before and after photos).
Here’s an issue right off the bat. I am pale, blonde, and blue-eyed. I would destroy all family photos and marketing materials because as I understand it in order to be a successful Kardashian you must have jet-black hair and copper spray tanned skin. Why do you think they make Khloe dye her hair so dark? So it’s less obvious she’s nearly a foot taller and her mom’s hairdresser is actually her father.
Most of all I think my life is too boring. They go to Greece for family vacations. My last vacation was the 24 hours I spent in the hospital after pushing out my baby. They go to red carpet events. I go to CVS.
What else? I mean beyond refusing to put up with Kanye?
1. I refuse to wear anything that is leopard or cheetah print. I believe wearing it is a gateway to living in a split-level house, getting home perms, and having an addiction to the Home Shopping Network.
2. I would want my kids to get a college education. I’d be the “annoying” sister who thinks it is better to have a degree in business or nursing versus a sock line or a sex tape.
3. I’d get shame attacks if forced to sit through a dinner discussion on body waxing or how to give a proper lap dance.
4. I like to read books and keep up to date on politics and the general state of the world.
5. I believe a woman should restrain her jugs in a properly fitted bra.
6. I don’t own enough makeup.
7. I would have a hard time making it through family conference calls about how to avoid Lamar’s drug addiction during filming of the family Christmas special.
8. Nightclub appearances would be difficult given my 9:30 bedtime and inability to drink a full of glass of wine.
9. 75% of my life is spent in running sneakers.
10. I’d be the only one asking what Scott does for a living.